Thought of the Day #3: Lamb Cop

“I don’t need no stinkin’ baah-dge.”

It’s just what it sounds like: a police procedural with Lamb Chop and Shari as partners fighting crime in the dirty streets of Detroit.

NBC, Thursdays 11/10c

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A Cosmo Quiz-Style Guide to Determining Your Black Best Friend

In today’s fast-paced society, it can be difficult to develop meaningful, personal relationships.  Taking the time to find your perfect Black Best Friend can be even more daunting, with more options today than ever before.  From romantic comedies to action movies and network crime dramas, the Black Best Friend is the all-knowing, supportive partner to the (usually) White protagonist.  He or she ranges from sassy and funny to serious and austere.

If you are a White protagonist, and you do not have a Black Best Friend, do not panic.  Here is a quiz, just like the kind you find in Cosmo, that will help you determine your ultimate Black Best Friend.

1.  Your boss has been on your back all day, your significant other is upset about something (something to do with a sock, maybe?), and on top of that, a baby threw up on you at a Starbucks.  Your ideal Black Best Friend will:

a.  Tell you how much more her day sucked.  I mean, she had to read a book and schedule time for a manicure!  What are you complaining about?

b.  Get you out of those stinky baby puke clothes and into some fresh matching pajamas.  Then, it’s a night-long “Kickpuncher” marathon.

c.  I’m sorry–what were you saying?

d.  Sing a cover of a song that perfectly expresses how you’re feeling.  It won’t take long before you’re joining in…along with half the neighborhood, for some reason.

e.  Smile, and maybe do a Sammy Davis, Jr. impression?

2.  It’s Saturday night, and you are ready to par-tay with your Black Best Friend!  What’s going down?

a.  Hi-yo!  Karaoke, dranks and Vegas!  It’ll be just like old times!

b.  So…not a “Kickpuncher” marathon?

c.  Hell-o!  Shopping first for a new outfit–preferably Versace or Calvin Klein.  Then, there’s a party in the Valley and another one in the Hills.

d.  Rehearsal!  Just found the perfect song to fit into this week’s theme of teen pregnancy and bad self-image!

e.  Saturday nights are for relaxing with friends.  A lounge, a show and drinks.  But first, a ride downtown to collect some money from some friends of mine…

3.  You’re in need of some serious advice at work.  Your Black Best Friend tells you to:

a.  Tell someone else to tell someone else to do it.

b.  Find an awesome group of co-workers and work it out together.

c.  Let Daddy take care of it.

d.  Finish school.  Then she breaks into a sunny rendition of Loverboy’s “Working for the Weekend.”

e.  Professionalism:  work hard, long and often.  Seriously, be in everything, at everywhere at once.

4.  You invite your Black Best Friend to dinner with your parents and their friends.  What does he/she wear?

a.  A dress my personal assistant picked out for me.

b.  A tuxedo.

c.  Donna Karan head-to-toe.

d.  Bright colors, lots of accessories–an outfit that showcases my truly original sense of style.  Then we’ll sing about it.

e.  A nice suit, slacks and a sweater, something chic and non-offensive.

5.  Your Black Best Friend is hosting a dinner party at their home.  What is on the menu?

a.  I don’t know–it’s catered.

b.  Adult things, like pizza.

c.  Daddy has a cook.

d.  Down-home cooking!  Greens, yams, cornbread and ham!  We can even sing while we cook!  Mm-hmm!

e.  Something mellow and pleasant to the taste.  Not too spicy, not too exotic.  Whatever, salt’s on the table.

Now, tally up those totals and scroll down.

Mostly A’s:  Ava from “Up All Night”

Your own fictional Oprah

Your supportive ways seemingly have gone unnoticed by those you care about most in life.  You have so much to balance that you’re afraid of pushing away your closest friends.  That’s why Ava is your perfect Black Best Friend.  At times petty, at times overly-emotional, Ava won’t let you let go.  She will stop by with an event inappropriate food basket in the middle of the night in order to maintain open lines of communication.  Her ambition and determined personality may land you in hot water sometimes, but you always know how to cool her off.

Mostly B’s:  Troy from “Community”

Troy is, in fact, awesome.

Your dedication to your close group of friends has earned you the friendship of Troy.  Funny, goofy and silly, Troy will be there for you when you need him most, whether it’s taking over in a breakdancing contest, or serving as designated driver/secret keeper, you can be assured that he’ll be there.  Troy is the ideal friend for someone into science fiction, fantasy and comic books.  His nerdiness is only overshadowed by his devotion to friends and his awesome dance skills.

Mostly C’s:  Dee from “Clueless”

Wonder if Dee made it through the Juicy tracksuit phase...

You need someone who understands that good fashion is nothing without good style.  You need a friend who you can call at anytime, even if you’re only twenty feet away from each other.   Who else is going to help you selflessly give your teacher a makeover, so that she can attract the attention of the English teacher, so that both of them can be in a better mood, so that they will start going easier on their students?  Besides, you need someone who understands “what it’s like for people to be jealous of you.”

Mostly D’s:  Mercedes from “Glee”

Mm-hmm!

Your love of belting out ballads and sassy personalities has you walking side-by-side with Mercedes.  She may only be a high school student, but she’s got the sass of a 45 year old woman in a Tyler Perry movie.  She’s a diva in every way possible, and as long as you don’t get in her spotlight, you should share a long, healthy and competitive friendship.

Mostly E’s:  Wayne Brady

The first picture that pops up on Google Images. I mean, just look at those pearly whites!

A general Black Best Friend, Wayne Brady does it all.  Need someone to see “Wicked” on Broadway?  Wayne Brady will take you, and probably get you backstage.  Want to meet the cast of “How I Met Your Mother?”  Wayne Brady can take you the next time he shoots a scene as Barney’s brother.  Love live improv?  Wayne Brady can show you where it’s at, and maybe offer up a song parody or two while he’s at it.  Yes, Wayne Brady is the Wayne Brady of Black Best Friends.

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5 Movies People Keep Telling Me to Watch That I’ll Probably Never Watch

5.  “The Goonies”

I don't care how funny the fat kid is.

A few years ago, my best friend and I realized that we both shared adolescent love for the movie “Robin Hood:  Men in Tights.”  We rushed out to our university’s library and rented it, then ran back to her dorm to watch it.  We had pizza, soda, popcorn and giggles prepared.

Twenty minutes into the movie, we both noticed that neither of us had laughed once.

Instead of my memory of “Robin Hood:  Men in Tights” being preserved as an awesome childhood favorite, it was replaced by the notion that it was a severely unfunny movie that left me questioning my taste in nostalgia and films in general.

Most people who saw “The Goonies” did so at a young age.  I’m not sure, but it might be one of those movies that brings back the feeling of watching it as a kid, like “The Sandlot” or anything on SNICK.

4.  Anymore “Star Wars”

It's not the movie, I just don't like Mark Hamill's haircut.

It took me nearly my whole lifetime to watch one “Star Wars” movie, a film franchise that has inspired legions of dedicated fans.  I hear the oft-quoted “Star Wars” lines; I see the oft-donned “Star Wars” costumes; I recognize the oft-used “Star Wars” references.

But, in the words of the great philosopher, Freddie Mercury, “‘Jaws’ was never my scene and I don’t like ‘Star Wars.'”

3.  Anymore “Lord of the Rings”

They could've easily cut this movie down to a slim three hours.

Like “Star Wars,” I actually watched the first film.  Granted, I did take an hour nap in the middle of it, but it was still nowhere near done, so I count it anyway.

Why won’t I watch anymore?  Because them shits are like 3 hours a piece!  Three hours per movie!  And I fell asleep in the first one!  So, no.

2.  “Braveheart”

I might consider watching if he calls one of the Scottish dudes 'sugar-tits.'

It has everything that I should love in a movie:  face paint, dramatic/inspiring war-time monologues, men in skirts.  Yet, somehow, I don’t feel like I’ll ever really get around to watching this one.

1.  “Boondock Saints”

How could I not enjoy a movie with Willem Dafoe in it? He's like a real-life Green Goblin.

This movie is my On the Road.  I’ve started it a good five times, and it’s not bad, but it’s been too long since the last time I started it, and I don’t want to start from the beginning again, but I don’t know where I left off, so…

What about you guys?  Are there any movies people keep hounding you to see, but you know you’re never going to sit down and watch?

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Thought of the Day #2: On Beauty

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s Maybelline. But it’s probably just breast implants.

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Thought of the Day #1

I thought I heard rain outside, but I was too lazy to check, so I checked the weather online instead.

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Tales from the Retail Crypt: “First Date”

My first job when I moved out here to California was as a sales associate at a well-known store in an outlet mall.

The mall was populated mostly by hordes of non-English speaking tourists, shoving and snapping their way to sales racks and discounted name brand stores.

At this particular store, on this particular day, I was feeling particularly out of the ordinary. My generally amiable demeanor had been replaced by a quiet, grumpy manner. I was not in the mood for anyone or anything.

Toward the end of the evening, as I surveyed the damage caused by shoppers, a man came in with a woman and three rowdy kids.

He was tall, broad, with blond hair under a baseball cap and a NASCAR leather jacket on.

Something like this…

She wore a purple top, jeans and wedges. The kids casually ran through the front of the store, playing tag and screeching, while the lady tried to settle them down by offering soothing suggestions like, “Tyler, get your ass over here!” and “Don’t touch that! I can’t pay for that shit if you break it!”

The man stood near me and watched as the woman went from irately yelling at her kids to playfully riding piggyback on the boy who looked like he was about 180 pounds lighter than she.
The woman asked the kids, “You ready to go?”

“Yeah,” they chimed in unison.

The man opened the door and ushered the family out. Just as he was about to leave, he turned to me and muttered, “First date.”

Suddenly, my day didn’t feel so bad.

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